vanillamilkshake

Had just finished my convocation last saturday, 30th August 2008.  Had started to look seriously at my future, how am I suppose to reach my final goal of becoming a trainer in 5 years time.  Felt that I have grown up a little more, yet still young for everything.  Money, seemed petty but undeniably a must…am now spending every cent on my thoughts.

Sitting in front of my labtop, connected to the internet, now am I sending resumes, with thousands of hope that at least they would call me up.  I seek not to become a sophisticated or extraordinary youth, but all I wish now is to find a job that will eventually lead me to my ultimate goal.

Working in Singapore, is what I wish…because the pay is double of that offered in Malaysia Ringgit.  But what holds me back is my family.  Being the youngest daughter in my family, everyone was hoping for me to stay besides my parents.  Understood that, but…sticking with them for the rest of my life would bring me nowhere but the same condition as I am in now, maybe of slight difference.

My life now, meanwhile in the transition, is dull…bored…daunting, waiting for call for work.

It was around 32 degree celcius, not more than 35.

“Why do I have to keep on walking?  I’ve been walking everyday!”

Sometimes I get so tired that I really wanted to stop walking.  Sit for a while, perhaps, someone would send me home.  But when this really happened, I guess I would most probably not hop in and enjoy the ride.  Because I’m afraid I might stink and pollute.  I’m just afraid others would not welcome me once I’m in the vehicle as they would smell my sweat.

My pace wasn’t consistent; some while, faster; at some point, slower.  I get so frustrated as I walk, especially when there’s this Mr. Blazing-Hot-Sun who is so hardworking, shining all day long.

Along the way, I saw flowers blooming, some about to die off soon.  Pity those flowers, once so beautiful, letting off nice scents and now laid there dying, waiting for it to be forgotten.  But…

My focus wasn’t those flowers.  It’s those blooming one that I can’t keep my eyes off from.  I consider myself…quite bad, cruel, whatever it is, cause I was wondering when will they die?  I was full of envious and jealousy took control over my head, one at a time.

I have a pot of flower.  It’s not rose, or orchid, not even bougainvillea.  It is a I-don’t-know-what-flower-from-another-country.  Huh, well, it’s name is pretty long, I know.  I don’t expect anyone to ever seek for such flower or even remember it’s name.  It’s nature: unknown.  But I gave the basic necessities to the flower - water, ample of sunlight, took it in when it’s going to rain heavily, all that I ought to give.  But weird, whenever I have to bring it home along with me, the flower seems to dry up.  But I think it’s getting to adapt soon, since I need to go home so often, unless it died before the next time I bring it home.  I can’t leave it here while I’m back home.  No one’s going to help me water and take care of it…I guess, I don’t know.  I’m afraid one day it would eventually die, or I myself getting sick of carrying it here and there.  Anyways…

The road seems so long.  Sometimes I would doubt, why don’t I take a cab home.  There’s so many public transport out there which I can opt from, but why walk?!  Talk about the danger I’m exposed to, imagine one day I might just got terribly hit by a wreckless driver another day on the way home.  Even on cloudy and breezy days, I may feel not-so-happy and lazy to walk, don’t even mention when it’s hot or rainy days.  I can afford some old car.  I don’t have to be picky, you know.  Buy some second-hand junk.  At least it would service me, protect and shelter me, before it breaks down and disintegrate into steels-and-wheels.  Haha..I guess sometimes I just automatically walk without having myself realize that I’m so used to walking already.  Yea, I enjoy walking somehow.  Maybe…I might change this habit one day, if…Well, only if.

Retrieve the memory deep within you

I used to enjoy pamper you

Massaging and running chores just for you

But,

Since when did you

Think you "own" me, did you?

Forget how you used to treat me, did you?

I’m not here to question you

Of your "ignorance" and "negligence"

But I’m here begging you

For more passion and patience

Women like to hear your men’s thoughts

Effectively respond to words

Perhaps, men could only see through movements

Rather get a hint through

Women’s behavior and experience

Sometimes I am numb, I got disensitized of

How you treated me

Sometimes I get so sensitive that I

Felt hurt and disappointed

What is ideal, what is real?

I thought you are

Genuinely caring and loving

From the period right before we dated each other

‘Till the few months after we got together

People all around us, are envious and jealous

A few months after you officially announce

That we are a couple

You started to take things for granted

And claim that I was expecting too much

People around us are surprised and some speechless

Now what do you want from me?

Or what do I still hope from you?

I thought things were told

But instead I have not heard, some "sold"

What is left untold

Is what you would not unfold

10.00 a.m.

What’s sweet and what’s rational?

When your girlfriend is sick…

cook her what she can eat - sweet

tell her a long list of not-to-eat food stuff - rational

help her to do small chores - sweet

ask her to do other times - ?!?! (rational?)

bring her medicine and warm water - sweet

remind her that she has forgotten her medication - rational

at least take care of own attire and stuff-to-bring for work - sweet

ask her what to wear and what kind of things has she not bring(obviously for him, but pretending it’s for her) - rational

listen to friends and make room for girlfriend to join in friends’ conversation - sweet

entertain "her" friends for her so that they do not feel unimportant - rational

…to be continued…

Tarot reading, or any other spiritual thingy would be true when you let it be.  It lets you know what will happen in future, but doesn’t mean it must happen.  Things will change any minute, in a split second, you may die even though tarot tells you that you still have a long way to go.

Before we started, they actually asked about our future.  The reading was way too good, that Tracy said she had never come across anyone who is as lucky and well-fated together as we do.  Seven months later, things changed.  "We may not end up together" is what the tarot tells us.  I believe the it is reliable and valid, only for the moment I was told of it.  Noone knows exactly what our future looks like.  I believe I have the ability, and I know I’m not alone.  He is going to accompany me for the rest of my life.  We will sort it out, and work it pretty well till the end of our lives.

Thanks to tarot card that brought alertness upon me, and make aware of many things.  With all the wishes and hope, we would be fine.  I would not let go and give up so easily like I did before.

Pebbles in a diamond, shattered glass in a heart, uncommunicated message in a relation

what’s more that I can find in a relationship where it only ends with silence?

there is nothing more to hold on to when both just keep their mouths shut…

no chance for explanation, and no chance for forgive

what’s left?

sleeping in the same bed but thousands of miles away in thoughts…..

it’s of no difference from strangers sleeping together

it’s not about communication doesn’t work, but is they don’t want communication to work

LaMe!!!

-another article by Winnie-

Location : Near 1U shopping complex

Time : Around 2p.m.

A blue Avanza, (carplate number : BHP 8808) well…he’s a S**k**…

My cousin was driving her Perdana on a rainy day.  It happened that her wiper wasn’t working really well, so maybe she kinda missed the view.  So she turn into the lane on her right and that time, the dumb S**k** was …i duno..speeding behind us maybe, honked loudly for a few seconds.  Before he overtake us and started monkeying around, he stopped right next to us and stare at us.  He looked like a loaf of bread, with raisins as topping(pimple or skin breakout).  Then he was playing a fool on the road, with his Avanza swinging left and right..we really hope to see if he lost control and went turning in his Avanza. 

Guys, remember this driver.  If you bumped into him with his ‘ass’titude, do remember to report to police.  let the police officers get him for driving recklessly!  Ass… -_-" signing off-

1. Miniature Pintcher - cheap cheap only RM 700++

2.  Pug - okla, RM1580++

3.  Chao Chao - I don’t know

4.  B!r+hd@y party in LRT - nyek nyek

5.  A big(huge) plush toy - preferably teddy bear

6.  Photo taking session - with professional make-over

7.  erm…free shopping spree - together with Aminah yea, don’t wanna carry too many stuff

8.  K-party through the night! - keep a private n personal record of OUR singing!

9.  Campfire - haunting stories, LOVE it!!

10.  Can I have another 10 birthday present?

Not forgetting…can i stay forever young?

See, I’m so kind to all of you.  You still have around 19 days to save for my present.  Hiak hiaks…

i went back to my old school today, saw lots of my junior. Most of them said that I had changed.

Well, yeah, in fact I’ve changed a lot.  The group of people around me are all different, not the same the group of people anymore.  Everything had become part of the past history.  Steeping into my "old" school reminds me lots of things.  Even before I step into my school itself, on the way to my school…flashes of memory.  I didn’t purposely think of the past, but it just flowed in.  The happy and the sad, the unforgetable and the forgotten…all came back.  As if I made an effort to seacrh for it.  Looking at my STPM certificate, made me sad.  Because of the result itself, and the event behind it.

Hadn’t any appetite for the day, but forced something down…

P/S - thanks for the comments, all my dear friends.  So sweet of you guys..muacks!  Love you lots, God bless…

It was the third day of my three weeks holiday.  Here I am sitting in front of my computer, playing some music, surfing the net, writing this blog, after a long while YOU all haven’t hear from me.  Yeah, I’ve been missing(in action) physically but never spiritually and mentally.  I was there all the while, hearing lots and were still there to listen if anyone needs an ear.

I’m missing someone right at this moment.  Happy because I have someone for me to miss, in fact not one, but lots.  Each plays a different weight.

The one that I used to miss, had changed a lot.  Isn’t that I’m sad because he had changed, nor that I still remain in the caleidoscope where we once had, but just suddenly realized something…Not everyone can still be friends and remain contact after a relationship had gone through some changes of state.

I’m glad that he is moving on with his life.  It’s not my scope of concern anymore that if he is moving on smoothly or not, but i can only acknowledge if he is moving.  That’s the difference.

Memories…remain with a person even though he or she is to live his last day on earth, breathing his last chance of fresh, or..huh, rather polluted air.  I can’t help having flashbacks, which I really wanted to share with someone, but what significance does the memories have?

A day’s time is never enough for me to contat each and everyone that i had in mind.  Also because, i never like to call or send sms, not because I forget or ignore, but because I don’t like to talk much.  Because it seems weird to me to call someone and talk.  I had nothing interesting to share, and that I think not everyone is free, that he had so much happening around him that he can talk about.

I realized I had a lot of mistakes in my last relationship…I am not mature enough by then.  Should I or should I not regret? To say regret it seems like I’m humiliating someone, on the other hand not appreciating what I have for now.  But not to say regret meaning that, in my last relation, he serves what happened to him.  I’m such a pain in the ass…I have a complex of feeling and emotion running in me that I don’t know what am I thinking about.

Suppose someone reads this will have think of something and it will hurt him.  To tell or not to tell?  I don’t seem to know when is the appropriate time, or is it that there will be no appropriate timing for this?

I’ve change alot but at the same time remain the same old me.  Who am I?  I don’t even know myself.  Have my memories shape who I am now?  Or is the present environment, my family and friends who brought me to who I am now?  Or is it the intrinsic future undertakings I had that drives me to behave as who I am?

Holiday is suppose to be joyous to students but it seems a little different for me.  I had much more time to think of lots and lots of things, which I have no control over.  I just feel sad, I don’t know why.  I just feel like crying I don’t know why.  I cried one night when I was sleeping, and pretended nothing happened.  Until the next morning, I was still having bad mood.  But apparently there are no reason for me to be sad.

Perhaps it’s my unconscious memories…for the holiday…Cheers~